Dear Present You,
“I’ve always wanted to know I was leaving this world having
made people’s lives a little better. It just hurts to be feeling now like I’ve
actually made some people’s lives worse.”
This was you three days ago. After going through so much to
try to overcome your depression, it’s hard for you to accept that you’re back
crying on your couch. You thought that when you got over this last time, you’d
keep it in check and never feel like this again. Even if that wasn’t totally
realistic, you felt good believing that.
And yet here you are again. You worked so hard to build
self-confidence and strength against the bumps in your life. Yet now, you look
in the mirror and wonder if anyone will see you as beautiful.
You are driven to be healthy, but for all of the wrong
reasons. You’re afraid to gain any weight, to look any less than your best,
because you’re scared it will guarantee all the insecurities you have about how
others see you.
You look at others and wish you didn’t feel so lonely when you
were alone.
Depression feels crippling, I know. And it’s crippling to
your self-esteem to feel so weak against your own emotions. Listen to me: depression is not a weakness.
Anxiety is not a weakness. You’re not different from others with struggles.
Everyone has waves of hardships that wash over him or her. Yes, this may feel
more like a waterfall washing over you. But that waterfall is shaping you,
refining you. It’s washing off your rough edges to create the refined man or
woman you are capable of being. That is your choice, though. It can shape you
or it can drown you.
This moment is hard. It is easy to feel alone. It is easy to
get caught up in the moments where you may have let others down. But we will
all make mistakes sometimes. Perfection isn’t possible in this life. If you are
knocked down, get back up. If you make a mistake and let someone else down, do
what you can to pick them back up, heal their bruises, and let it motivate you
to do better next time.
And if you don’t have universal popularity, remember that
even the Savior Jesus Christ never found that. Take every chance to serve
others, but don’t let others determine your worth.
And if you’re the person not forgiving yourself, if you’re
the one who is disappointed by you, don’t let your skewed vision determine your
worth either. There’s a song I know about a romantic relationship, but it takes
on a much deeper meaning when seen as a song about God’s love (Katy Perry
didn’t see that coming):
I lost myself in fear
of losing you
I wish I didn't do
But I did
I lost my own, my own
identity
Forgot that you picked
me for me
But now, I don't
negotiate with insecurities
They always seem to
get the best of me
I found I had to love
myself, the way I wanted you to
Love me
No more second guessing
No, there’s no more
questioning
I’ll be the one
defining who I'm gonna be
No concealing
feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself,
the way I want you to love me
I’m taking some creative liberties, but can you see how it
connects? We try to redefine ourselves by becoming what we think others will
want. We forget that our Heavenly Father created us carefully and
intentionally. He picked you for you. He didn’t pick you with the condition
that your skin is blemish-free or your weight is under a certain amount. He
didn’t pick you under the condition that we never fail.
He knows we will fail. What he wants for us is to love
ourselves, and love others, the way he loves us. Insecurities are not from God.
Humility is from God. Selfless love is from God. Self-deprecation and despair
are not. Your Father in Heaven sees great beauty and potential in you. God’s
spirit can be found in your identity. He will not leave us, even through all of
the bumps. Days will be hard, and sometimes you’ll feel lonely. But you are
never alone.
You may not see it, but you are changing lives all around
you. You are uplifting lives in ways you will never understand. Some seeds you
will plant, and you may never see them sprout leaves. But that doesn’t stop
them from growing into beautiful trees.
Hard times are on the horizon. But so are so many beautiful
memories to be made. You will make it through this. You will come out stronger,
deeper, and more like the person you want to be. You will look back in a year
and see God’s hand guiding and protecting you every single day. Hold on, have
hope.
And for now, “sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the
end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”
With love,
Future You
